Fear
by CSIfan8686
Summary: Sort of dark, I had to write this out. Somebody from Sara's past turns up in Las Vegas. Somebody who almost ruined her life. WILL be smutty later.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:**** I do ****NOT**** own CSI.**

**I apologise now, I was in quite a dark mood when I wrote this. I don't know if I've had a dream about this or what, but I had to write it out.**

**Don't hate me….**

**Fear**

Sara is curled up on her bed, crying; crying tears of fear and hate.

She's scared. Scared incase she freaks out. Afterall, freaking out is her speciality, or it was until she faced most of the demons from her past.

She needs Gil. She needs him here, in Vegas with her. She needs him to keep her safe and to tell her that everything will be alright. But she's scared; she's scared to tell him. He doesn't know. Only Cath knows and that was a mistake. It'll kill him if he finds out.

She brushes away her tears, trying to stop them from falling. What use is it to cry? They can't make it all go away and they can't make Gil appear in front of her. They make her feel worse, weak. She's not weak. She's strong; a strong person who is usually calm and ready for almost anything, but not today. Not since last night.

All the memories came flooding back. She can remember everything, every single detail; the smells, the noises and the pain.

It's been twelve hours since Cath sent her home from work, after Sara had told her about her deepest, darkest secret. Cath told her to go home and try to rest. How can she possibly sleep, knowing that Colin James, the man who raped her more that seventeen years ago, is here in Vegas raping more women. She's blaming herself. It's all her fault that this is happening. The police didn't believe her when she reported the rape and she didn't try again. She sank into a depression. She kept up with college work but refused to go out with her friends until, eventually, she was sick of being scared and vulnerable. She started self defence classes and went to see a counsellor and a physiatrist and slowly started to get her life back on track. It took quite a long time, but here she is; happily married with wonderful friends and a job which, although can be stressful, she's good at and she loves it.

Her tears start to fall again, at the mention of her husband. The most wonderful man she's ever known. How do you tell the man who loves you that you were once raped? How do you tell him that, at nineteen years old, you were violated, that you had your innocence ripped away from you at the pleasure of a stranger. How?

***Runs and hides***

**Sorry, I had to get this out of my head.**

**I know it's short but chapter 2 should be up soon.**

**Please review.**

**Lynne xx**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do NOT own CSI.**

**Enjoy!**

**Fear**

**Chapter 2**

Gil jumps in the rental car and speeds away from Las Vegas airport.

Cath phoned him straight after she'd sent Sara home and he booked the first flight out.

He needs to see Sara. He needs to hold her and protect her. He can't believe that she's never told him. If he'd known, he would have kept her away from rape cases in the past. He would've done everything within his power to keep her from reliving the terror she suffered. How could she keep this from him? He's her husband? Her best friend? He knows, or he thought, he knew every detail of her life. He thought he knew the mystery of Sara Sidle.

He's angry; angry at Sara for not telling him, angry at the monster who raped her, who violated her, but most of all he's angry at himself for making Sara feel like she couldn't tell him.

He tries to jump a red light but the car in front of him slams on its brakes. Gil blasts his horn and over takes, luckily avoiding any other vehicles. He's ready to kill, he just needs to get home. If he ever sees Colin James, he could happily kill him slowly, for what he's done. What right did he have to touch Sara? What right did he have to hurt her?

As he skids to a stop outside their house, he can feel tears falling down his cheeks. He runs up the drive and knocks on the door, knowing that Sara's home, he doesn't want to frighten her.

His breath gets caught in his throat when the door opens. Sara looks so...broken and scared. When she looks up and sees her husband, she breaks down. Gil wraps his arms around her, just before she collapses to ground and cries. He holds her tightly as she sobs against his shoulder, her tears staining his shirt. All his anger towards her dissipates as she clings tightly to him, afraid to let him go.

"Sshh...I'm here, Honey." he whispers.

"I...I'm..."

"Sshh..."

They sit on the floor in the doorway, rocking back and forth as their tears fall faster. The silence is deafening, except for the occasional sob escaping Sara's lips.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asks softly.

Sara doesn't answer straight away, she says silent as she tries to calm herself down.

"I'm sorry." she sniffs. "Please don't hate me."

"Sara, I don't hate you, I love you." he soothes. "I just wish I understood, why you didn't tell me. If I'd known I would have..."

"You would've what? Kept me away from rape cases?"

"Yes, to keep you from reliving it. To keep you from hurting."

"That's exactly why I didn't tell you." she cries.

She stands up, walks over to the sofa and sits herself down. Gil hesitates before standing and following her.

"Gil, by the time I came to Vegas, I was fine. I hadn't thought about it for years and I'd worked on a number of rape cases. I didn't need to mention it. I didn't need, and don't want, to be pitied and to be treated differently."

"I understand that Sara, I really do but...you're my wife. I thought I knew everything about you, good and bad."

"When we became a couple, I decided that I was definitely not going to tell you." she cries. "I'm sorry, I just didn't want you to know.

"Why?"

There's an awkward silence.

"Because, I can't bare the thought of you hesitating, even for a second, before you touch me or kiss me. I don't want you to worry about me when we're in bed together."

"Honey, I won't, I'll..."  
Sara cuts him off. "Oh come on Gil. You know that you will. You're never going to look at me in the same way again."

"Nothings changed Sara. You're still my wife and I still love you more than anything in the world. Fair enough, it's bound to take a while for me to get the images out of my head but as long as you're safe and happy, I'll be happy."

Sara shifts so that she's leaning against him, her head on his shoulder and her arm draped across his chest.

"Do you...do you want to know what happened? I can talk about it." she whispers.

"Not yet." he replies, his arms tightening around her. "Just let me hold you, let me get my head around it."

"Okay, just tell me when you're ready. I love you, Gil." says Sara, as more tears start to spill from her eyes.

"I love you too, sweetheart." he whispers.

He leans in to kiss her tears away, only hesitating for a second.

They lay on the sofa in silence until they fall asleep, exhausting themselves with their tears.

**Thanks for reading**

**Chapter 3 should be up on Sunday, hopefully.**

**Lynne xx**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do NOT own CSI.**

**The 'R' word usually freaks me out, so I don't know how this idea got stuck in my head.**

**Enjoy!**

**Fear**

**Chapter 3**

Gil awakes a few hours later, after a horrific nightmare, to find himself alone on the sofa. He looks around urgently, in search of Sara.

"Sara?" he calls out.

No answer.

He stands up and walks through the house, with no joy in finding her. When he reaches the bedroom he looks out of the window to find her sitting on the grass out front, taking a break from washing the car. She's just sitting there, staring into nothing as the hose pipe sprays water on the grass next to her. He makes his way out front and turns off the water before sitting down next to Sara. Hesitating before placing his hand on her shoulder.

"Sara?" he asks.

"You said you wouldn't hesitate." she says.

"I didn't want to frighten you. I didn't know if you seen me coming."

There's an awkward silence as they sit there, watching their neighbours go about their everyday business.

"How did you sleep?" asks Sara, changing the subject.

"Not too good. You?"

I couldn't, so I decided to wash the car. Sorry if I woke you."

"You didn't. I had a bad dream."

There's another awkward silence.

"Sara...I'm ready to hear about it. That's if you still want to tell me?"

"Okay." she whispers. "Can you give me five minutes, to tidy up?"

"Sure. I'll go make some coffee."

He stands up and when Sara holds out her hands out to him, he pulls her up, but instead of letting her go, he pulls her into his arms. He holds her tightly until she pulls away from him, to look at him.

"I love you." she whispers. "I'm really sorry about all of this."

"I love too, Sara." he replies, unable to keep the sadness he's feeling out of his voice.

She cups his face in her hands and quickly places a soft kiss to his lips.

In the house ten minutes later, Gil hands Sara a cup of coffee and they go and sit on the sofa. Sara leans against the arm on one side whilst Gil leans against the arm on the other.

"Gil, please promise me that after all of this, we will still be...us. No changes. I'm fine Gil. I'm safe and happy. I don't mean to sound stubborn but...I'm over it, I have been for a long time."

"I promise that I'll try not treat you any different Sara, but you've go to understand that...you're everything to me. I will, I do, worry about you."

There's a short silence whilst Sara gathers her thoughts.

"I don't know where to start?" she whispers. "It's strange, I haven't thought about it for years but I can still remember everything.

"Take your time. Start when you're ready." he says soothingly.

She takes a deep breath and tells him everything.

_She was nineteen years old in college. She was supposed to meet her room mate, Lucy, at a bar in town but she had cancelled at the last minute. Sara was already at the bar so she decided to stay for a drink, no doubt some guys from college would turn up later so she could hang with them. She was sitting at the bar, drinking a beer when a guy sat down next to her, looking a bit angry. She'd seen him around campus before but she didn't know who he was. They got talking, his name was Colin James and she discovered that he too had been ditched by his mate. They talked for hours, to Sara it felt like she'd known him for years, they were getting along really well. _

_During the next few weeks, they met up almost every day for drinks, study or to party. They weren't dating, it was clear that they were just becoming good friends. _

_One nice day they decide to buy some food and drink and go to the park for a study session, and to catch some rays. They didn't get much studying done, most of the afternoon was spent talking and laughing._

_Suddenly Sara started to feel unwell and the next thing she knew, he was on top of her, touching her. She tried to scream and fight him off, but she couldn't. That's when she realised the he must have drugged her. He was no longer the guy she thought he was. He'd changed within seconds, from kind and funny to a monster, a stranger who she didn't know at all. She managed to cry out as he pushed into her, his hips grinding hard against hers._

"_Colin stop. Please stop, you're hurting me." she cried, although she knew he wasn't her Colin anymore._

_She could feel him inside her, hard and heavy against her._

_He was too rough with her, eventually she passed out, part from pain and part from the drug he'd used to control her. _

_When she woke up, she was surrounded by two police officers. She started crying and told them what had happened to her but the weren't interested. They thought she was drunk and they just sent her away. _

_The next few weeks passed in a blur, she went to classes but she wouldn't see her friends. She didn't go back to the police and she didn't tell anyone what had happened to her._

_Eventually, she'd had enough of feeling sorry for herself and she decided to get some help. Counselling helped her a lot, along with self defence classes. She felt stronger and safer, she started going out with her friends again and eventually she started dating a guy from one of her science classes._

"Life was slowly getting back to normal." sighs Sara. "I'd often see him around campus but I knew that he couldn't hurt me again. I was stronger and confident and had someone with me most of the time. The first time that I'd seen him though, I freaked out but then I got used to seeing him around."

She looked up at Gil to find tears slowly rolling down his cheeks. She moved closer to him and took his hand, dreading telling him one last thing. Tears started to pool behind her eyes and he knew there was something else.

"Sara?"

"There's something else..." she whispers.

He squeezes her hand. "Tell me."

"Before Colin, I'd never...I was...he was..." she stutters, unable to find the words which will break his heart.

Gil's face turns even more pale and his breathing speeds up.

He knows. He know what she's trying to tell him.

"I'm sorry." whimpers Sara.

He sits there in silence, anger surging through his body.

Right now, more than anything, all he wants is to spend five minutes in a room with Colin James.

Sara starts to stand up but Gil doesn't let go of her hand and he gently pulls her into him.

They sit on the sofa,holding eachother and crying together. Gil's heart breaking at what he's just heard and Sara's heart breaking for what she's done to her husband.

Twenty minutes later, Sara pulls out of his embrace and looks up him.

"Hi." she whispers.

He lightly smiles at her. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Why and when did you tell Catherine?"

"That was a mistake, I didn't mean to tell her. She started working on the case yesterday and she asked for my help. I started to read the file and I came across his name and a photo of him. I guess I freaked out. Cath asked what was wrong and I just...blurted it out. She knows almost everything." she whispers. "Knowing that he's now here, in Vegas, raping women. It's my fault. Gil, I could have prevented this if I'd gone to the police again."

"Sara, listen to me. This is not your fault." he whispers. "You told the police and they didn't believe you. They're to blame Sara, not you."

"But I..."

"No Sara. I don't ever want to hear you say that this is your fault. Okay?"

Sara nods her head and stands up. "I'd better go get dressed for work."

"I'll get changed and come with you. I want to know about this case." says Gil, standing up.

"Gil, no." pleads Sara.

"Sara, I'm sorry, I have to. I need to help catch this guy and I don't want you on this case."

"Okay, you can help but you're not stopping me from working on this case. I'm a part of this too."

"Sara..."

"Gil.."

"Fine." he gives in. "But Sara, if you start struggling or feel uncomfortable, I will have you removed from the case. I'll take it to Ecklie if I have to, I'm sure he's going to be thrilled to have me back for a little while."

"Okay, okay. Just remember that you don't work there anymore. This isn't your battle."

"Sara, it's your battle, that automatically makes it my battle too."

She smiles and kisses him tenderly before taking his hand and leading him upstairs to get ready for work.

**Thanks for reading.**

**Please review!**

**Chapter 4 should be up soon.**

**Lynne x**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do NOT own CSI.**

**Fear**

**Chapter 4**

When they arrived at the lab, everyone was thrilled to see Grissom. That is everyone except Cath, as she's the only one who knows the reason he's here.

He puts on a brave face as he talks to the guys, whilst Sara goes to talk to Cath.

"Thank you." whispers Sara.

"I'm sorry Sara. I had to call him." says Cath, preparing herself for the wrath of Sara.

Sara smiles a little. "I'm serious Cath, thank you. I should have told him a long time ago."

"How did he take it?"

"Not very well, but at least he knows now."

Gil walks over to them and awkwardly hugs Cath, silently thanking her for calling him in Sara's time of need.

"Wow Sara. A surprise visit from your husband, you must be over the moon?" smirks Greg.

Sara turns her head towards Gil. "Yeah, I'm glad he's here." she smiles.

They all talk for a while longer; Gil shows Greg some photos of Paris whilst Sara discusses the case with Cath and Jim Brass.

"Griss? Welcome back." smiles Nick as her runs into the breakroom.

"Thanks Nick."

Nick spins around and looks directly at Cath. "We've got him, Cath. Colin James. He's being brought in now."

Sara can feel her body start to shake as she stands frozen to the spot. She can feel panic rising as she watches everyone, except Gil, leave the room in order to prepare for their suspect.

"Sara?" asks Gil, softly.

"I...I want to see him." whispers Sara.

"No, Sara. I won't allow it."

"You said that you wouldn't interfere." growls Sara.

"I lied. You are not going to see him. I'll have somebody take you home." he whispers, trying to keep himself calm.

"No. No. I am NOT going home. I'm staying here."

Sara's eyes fill with tears as she pleads with Gil to let her stay.

He pulls her shaking body into his arms.

"Okay. I'm going to be right there with you." he says, giving in to her. "Do you want to talk to him?

"No. No. I'm not ready for that. I just want to watch the interview."

They walk, hand in hand, silently down to the police station.

Gil's scared; he can feel fear seeping through his body. He's scared incase this pushes Sara over the edge. Incase she leaves him again.

He holds her hand tighter and he stops walking, making Sara jerk backwards into him.

"Don't do it." he whispers, tears filling his eyes.

"What?" asks Sara.

"Please don't do it." he pleads. "I can't lose you again, Sara."

Her face softens. "Gil, I promise you that I'm not going to leave again. Ever. I just have to do this. I need to see him."

"But Sara..."

"Gil, I am doing this. I can do this alone but I'd rather have you there, standing next to me. It's your choice."

He nods his head and slowly takes a step forward.

At the station, Gil and Sara position themselves infront of the one way glass, waiting for Colin James to be brought in. Sara lets go of Gil's hand, to flex her fingers, and she finds her palm clammy, unsure if it's her or Gil who's nervous. She feels sick, her stomach doing somersaults.

"Honey, are you sure you want to do this?" he asks, hoping that she'll change her mind. "You don't need to prove anything, Sara. Not to me, not to him, not to anybody."

"Me." she whispers. "I need to prove to myself that I'm not that weak, frightened girl anymore. I want to prove to myself that I survived, that I won."

"Sweetheart, look at you. Look at what you've achieved. Look at everything that's happened to you since you were nineteen. You're a fighter, a survivor. "You're..."

He's cut off by the interview room door opening as Cath and Brass lead Colin James in. When he feels Sara stiffen and hold her breath, he gently takes her hand and strokes it, letting her know that he's there beside her, letting her know that Colin can't touch her and that she's safe. He'll keep her safe.

Sara slowly inches closer to him and grips his hand tighter.

They watch silently as Colin sits there smiling, showing no remorse for what he's done.

"We have your DNA, Colin, from three of your victim. Start talking." snarls Cath.

He sighs and starts talking.

He started to rape women when he was in college. It all started after his college girlfriend dumped him for another guy. Apparently breaking is heart.

"She was a slut." spits Colin. "They all are. They deserved what I did to them."

"Why do you do it? How do you choose your victims?"

"I love the buzz I get from it. Especially the feeling of being somebody's first. The sound of their cries as I enter them." he smiles, looking proud.

That does it, Gil loses his cool. He's turned bright red with hate and anger. Before Sara knows what's happening, he charges out of the room and into the interview room.

"Gil..." says Cath, in a warning tone.

"Back off." he growls, shocking her.

Nick and detective Vartann run in, just in time to witness Gil attack Colin.

Sara jumps up and runs to the doorway of the interview room, making sure she keeps out of Colin's sight. She crying and shaking when Greg walks up to her, not knowing what's wrong.

"Greg, make him stop. Please." she begs and then looks towards her husband.

He's flailing about wildly as Nick, Vartann and Brass try to separate them, all receiving bruises from Gil as he struggles free. Cath just looks on in horror.

Gil manages to pin Colin against the wall, hitting him again and again.

"You bastard." screams Gil. "You sick son of a bitch. You raped my wife. You ripped away her innocence at nineteen years old. I'll kill you."

Everyone in the room falls silent, frozen for a second, as Gil continues his attack on Colin. Tears of hate and anger are now spilling desperately from his eyes as he starts to shake.

In the silence, Colin spits blood from his mouth before he speaks out.

"Oh…really? Who's your wife?" he smiles, causing Gil to see red again.

Just as Gil raises his fist, to hit Colin square in the jaw, Sara steps in the room and speaks out.

"Gil..." she cries. "Please stop."

He stops, his hand only inches from Colin's face, and looks at her with so much pain in his eyes, regret flashing across his face.

She's scared, not of Colin, but her husband. She scared of what she's done to him. He's never attacked anyone before. She's never seen him so angry. She wants to take him home; she wants to take away his anger and pain.

"Well, well...Sara Sidle." smirks Colin.

Gil's head snaps back towards him. "Don't you dare talk to her." he screams. "Don't you dare say her name."

"Ahh...Sara is your wife. I should congratulate you." he smiles, a look of evil in his eyes. "Sara was the best I ever had. She's the only one who begged me to stop."

Gil growls and lunges toward him, hitting him hard across the face. Colin's head snaps to the side and he falls to the ground with a thud.

Sara takes a step towards the man she loves, but Cath grabs her arm to holding her back, worried incase he lashes out at her.

"Cath, its okay." she whispers.

She takes another step forward and gently places a hand upon his shoulder, he knows it's her and he collapses to the ground in tears.

Sara falls to the floor next to him and holds him as he cries and shakes against her body whilst everyone else in the room is still in shock and Colin unconscious.

"Sshh…" soothes Sara.

She rocks their bodies back and forth, desperately trying to calm him down.

"Oh God. What have I done?" he cries. "Sara, I'm sorry. Everyone knows. I'm so sorry."

"Sshh…its okay." she whispers.

She wraps her arms tighter around him, holding him close. One hand lightly trails up and down his back whilst her other hand strokes through his grey curly hair.

"I can't bare the thought of what he did to you." he cries. "He hurt you. I want to kill him."

"Gil…look at me." she orders, as she uses her fingers to bring his face up to hers. "Yeah, he hurt me but, look at me now. You're right, I'm a fighter; a survivor. Gil, I won, not him."

"Everyone knows now though. I am so sorry."

Sara slowly lifts her head and looks over at everyone, smiling slightly.

"Well…now it's out in the open. No more secrets."

Colin starts coughing, a look of anger across his features.

"I'll have you done for this, all of you. Police brutality, that's what it is." he spits.

"Police brutality?" queries Cath. "Come on Colin, you attacked one of my guys so he fought back."

"I attacked nobody." he snarls.

"Really?" says Brass. "That's not the way we seen it."

Colin lets out a grunt. "All of this for her." he spits, turning to look at Sara quickly. "She's not worth it; she's just like every other slut of a woman. I bet she's good in bed though, huh? I bet you've all had her, even you blondie." he says, pointing towards Cath

Sara can feel Gil starting to struggle free from her hold.

"Colin." speaks Sara, her voice full of confidence. "You're right, I am good in bed and I am worth it. All of these people care about me, love me. You didn't ruin me Colin; you made me who I am. I'm happy, happily married with wonderful friends and a job which allows me to put sick bastards, like you, behind bars. All of your victim will get over you and will come out much stronger. You lose Colin." she smiles. "Enjoy prison."

Sara turns her head towards the guys. "Get him out of here." she says, before turning her attention back to Gil.

The guys quickly escort Colin from the room, followed by Cath, finally give Sara and Gil some alone time.

Gil looks at her, his eyes full of apologies and pride. "I'm so proud of you." he whispers

"You gave me the strength to do that." she smiles

"God, I love you, Sara. I love you so much, it scares me."

Sara leans in and kisses him, her tongue brushing softly against his lips.

"I love you, too." she murmurs, against his mouth. "Take me home, Gil."

He nods his head and stands up, pulling Sara to her feet at the same time. He pulls her into his arms and finds her mouth with his, holding her in a delicate, passionate kiss.

"I've got to face the guys, huh?" he cringes.

He's worried about what's going to happen; what's going to be said. He's never lost control like that before and especially never infront of anyone.

Sara smiles at him. "Trust me, Gil. You're hero of the hour."

"I'll go get cleaned up and then we'll go." he says.

He cautiously walks from the room with his head down. He can feel all eyes on him, but unaware of their smiles.

"Hey, nice one Gil." says Brass, slapping him on the back.

"If we'd known, we'd have done the same." says Nick.

"Nice one Gris." chimes Greg.

"Gil…" smiles Vartann, nodding his head.

Gil's gobsmacked, he doesn't know what to say or do, so he continues on to the mensroom, leaving the guys hovering outside the interview room.

Sara takes a deep breath and leaves the room, stopping infront of Cath and the guys, who are looking worriedly at her.

She sighs. "Okay guys, here's the deal. Any questions or anything you want to say, do it now. Because after today, this is NEVER to be mentioned again. I don't want your pity, I don't need it and I don't want to be kept away from rape cases in the future. I'm fine; I'm great actually. So…?"

They're silent for a while, debating whether to ask questions or let it slide.

"Sara, please. Like we'd fuss over you." smiles Nick, giving her a cheeky wink.

"Sara, you're a bit full of yourself aren't you? Think you're special or something?" jokes Greg.

"Actually…yeah, I do." replies Sara, without missing a beat.

"Vartann smiles and gives her a head nod. "Nice one Sidle."

"Okay guys, back to work. We have a lot to do." says Cath. "Keep this quiet and keep Sara's name out of it."

"You can use me, if you need to." says Sara.

"We'll be fine." smiles Cath. "Get yourself home and I'll see you tomorrow night."

"Thanks Cath. I owe you." replies Sara. "See you tomorrow.

Cath and the guys walk away, with quick goodbyes, leaving Sara with Brass.

"Sara…I…I wish I'd known." he says, sadly. "Didn't you report it to the police? It's not in you're file.

"I did, but they didn't believe me. They just sent me home."

"Sara, I'm sorry. I'm going to look into it. Light a fire under their asses."

"Jim, don't. It'll only cause trouble, it's not worth it, it was so long ago."

"Somebody I deeply care about was attacked. Of course it's worth it."

Sara leans in to kiss his cheek.

"Thanks Jim." she smiles. "What about Gil? Is he in trouble?"

Now it's Jim's turn to smile. "No, Colin won't ever mention today again."

"I don't want to know." smiles Sara.

Gil walks up behind her and wraps his arms around her waist.

"Are you ready, honey?" he asks.

"Yeah. Let's go home." she looks at him, kisses him and leads him out.

**Thanks for reading.**

**Sorry, I know there's too much talking in this chapter. I struggled to put my idea into words.**

**Chapter 5 will be up soon, hopefully it will be a smutty chapter.**

**Lynne x**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:**** I do ****NOT**** own CSI.**

**This is the final chapter guys.**

**A little bit smut, to keep you happy.**

**Enjoy!**

**Fear**

**Chapter 5**

At home, Gil and Sara are laying on the bed, facing eachother, kissing softly.

He knows what she wants, she wants to make love with him and forget about the past few days. He's scared though, he doesn't want her to feel pressured. Although she says she's fine, he's scared incase the slightest touch takes her back in time.

Sara strokes his face and moves her hand down his arm. She knows he's scared incase he hurts her and he won't make the first move. She takes his hand and moves it from his hip over onto hers.

"Gil...I want you to touch me."

"Sara, I..."

"Gil, please. Why are you so reluctant?" she asks, hurt flooding into her voice. "We've done this millions of times."

"Sara, it's not easy for me to forget about. I have these awful images in my head, of you hurting, and I don't want to touch you and freak you out. I don't want to remind you of him." he whispers.

"Let's make new images, Gil. Your touch soothes me. It doesn't, it won't, freak me out."

There's silence whilst he searches for words.

"I'm sorry, Gil, about everything. But I'm only giving you tonight to get your fear and hesitation out of the way. I can't bare the thought of you not wanting to touch me." she cries. "I just can't."

"Sara, I love you. I want to touch you, so badly, every minute of the day, but I'm scared at the moment."

Sara's face softens. "I know you're scared, but you won't remind me of him, you never have. I want this, I need this and I know that you do to. I know that you want to feel me; to know that I'm not broken."

He tries to smile and he nods his head. "I do."

"Please, Gil? Touch me, make it all go away." she whispers.

There's a long silence; an uncomfortable silence, for the first time in their marriage.

"Sara, if we do this, if you feel uncomfortable, in any way, you tell me okay? Not just tonight, but anytime, you tell me straight away."

"She smiles at him. "I will, I promise." she whispers. "Make love to me, Gil."

He slowly starts to move his hand over her hip, rubbing his thumb in soft circles. He keeps his eyes trained on hers, looking for the slightest sign of discomfort to make him stop. He leans in and kisses her softly and when she opens her mouth, inviting his tongue in, his tongue invades her mouth. Their mouths devour one another, starting soft and sensual and quickly changing to frenzied and desperate. He breaks the kiss and hesitates before rolling on top of her, always searching her face for discomfort. When he finds her smiling up at him, his mouth moves swiftly down onto her neck, gently kissing and sucking.

She whimpers at the feel of his mouth against her and he pulls away from her quickly. Looking worriedly down at her.

"Gil...you know that was a good cry, not bad. Relax Gil, please."

"I'm...struggling with this, Sara. I..."

"Should we stop?"

"Yes...No...I..." he stammers. "God Sara, I should be asking you that. You shouldn't have to comfort me."

"Gil, I've had to live with this for seventeen years, you've barely had seventeen hours." she whispers. "Let me go first. I'll comfort you." she smiles.

She pushes on his shoulders, reversing their positions, and takes his mouth with hers as she rubs her hand down his firm body. When she finds his erection, she knows he's ready for her. She knows it's killing him holding back. She works her hands on him and she smiles when he grows even more.

She can't stop the wave of desperation which suddenly overcomes her, and she cries out.

Right there; right then in that moment, he can see it in her eyes. She needs this, now more than ever.

He brings her face up to his as he switches their positions again. His hand moves down her body, straight to her searing hot centre. He lightly strokes over her and she bucks at first touch, making him smile.

Soft purrs escape her mouth, before he gently slides two fingers into her. He starts to pump them slowly as she grinds against his hand, urging him on; urging him to find her sensitive spot.

"Ahh…" she moans.

He smiles, knowing that he's found it and he presses harder against it as he uses his thumb to caress her clit, applying just the right amount of pressure.

"Gil…My God." she cries.

She strokes her hands down her body to cup his busy hand, needing to feel what he's doing to her.

She rocks in rhythm with his fingers, her hand holding his in place.

She tightens around him and she writhes wildly on the bed as her climax surges through her body.

He smiles when he hears his name being repeated, over and over again, until she calms down.

He kisses her as he removes his hand, making her whimper at the loss of contact.

"Sara…I love you." he whispers, against her cheek.

"I love you, too." she replies. "Thank you, Gil."

He places another soft kiss to her lips, making her moan and want more.

"I want you inside me." she cries. "I need you inside me."

He positions himself at her entrance and smiles.

"You tell me if you want me to stop." he demands.

She nods her head and pulls him into a kiss as he slides into her.

He pauses, to allow her to adjust to him, and he looks into her eyes, still scared and still searching for a sign of fear or discomfort.

"You okay?" he asks.

"Mmm…." is all she can manage in reply, but her face; her smile tells him that she's good.

He starts to move, slowly, tenderly, inside her as their mouths meet and crash against eachother. Sara moans and starts to move in time with Gil, revelling in the feel of him. He moves one hand down to her hip and lifts her slightly so that he can thrust deeper into her. He can feel her tightening around him already, little bursts of spasms teasing him.

"Gil…Oh Gil." she cries. "I'm close. I love you. Oh God, I love you."

She shudders and shakes as he moves painfully slow inside her.

"Gil, you're killing me." she pants. "Faster, please move faster, harder."

He quickens the pace, pulling almost fully out of her and pushing back in as he keeps one hand under her hips, holding her firmly to him.

"I love you, too." he smiles. "Come for me, Sara. Let me feel you."

She writhes around on the bed and grips tightly to head board.

When she feels her husband begin to lose control, she practically screams his name. Her legs come up around his waist, she shudders hard and lets herself go.

When he feels her, Gil starts his release with a final, deep thrust and a guttural groan.

She can feel his heat mixing with hers as waves of pleasure crash through her body.

He can feel her, tight and twitching, around him and he groans against her mouth as he pulls her into a heated kiss.

They kiss passionately until they are both, almost, fully recovered.

He pulls out of her and pulls her into his arm.

They lay in silence for a few minutes, only their pounding hearts can be heard as they caress on another.

Finally, Sara speaks. "Thank you. I know it was hard for you." she whispers, sleepily.

"It was only hard because I was scared for you. Once I knew that you weren't lying, that you were okay, it was easier."

"Mmm…I love you." she says and kisses his smooth chest.

A smile spreads over his face, almost touching his eyes. "I love you, too." he replies.

They cuddle together and slowly drift off to sleep, smiling, knowing that things will be okay.

**The End**

**Thanks for reading guys.**

**Sorry about this chapter, I kind of lost my mojo.**

**Please review.**

**Lynne xx**


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